Marriage Recovery Center | Intensive Marriage Counseling and Couples Marriage Therapy | Seattle, Washington

Attend, Attach, Attune: Critical For Emotional Intimacy

Teri Johnson MA LMHCA — Mon, 03 Jun 2013 12:29:55 +0000

Do you ever feel like you cannot get your spouse’s attention? Are you experiencing a tremendous disconnection in your marriage?

At the Marriage Recovery Center, we often hear couples commenting “I’m not sure she/he really cares about me anymore.” The main reason we find couples feel unloved and uncared for is that they both feel unheard.

The biggest challenge to achieving a close relationship is the tendency to talk over each other. Neither mate is being heard, and can quickly engage in a power struggle—a killer of communication.

A second disconnection in communication is the tendency to become distracted while their spouse is talking to them. They often think they are listening to each other, but most likely they are failing to fully attend to their mate. How many times has the television or cell phone gotten between you and your spouse when you are trying to connect?

Another communication breakdown we see in marriages is the inability to attune to one another. Often couples become so camped in their point of view that they fail to be influenced by their spouse’s ideas and thoughts on critical issues. This typically creates a significant challenge in trying to collaborate on issues.

If you are feeling disconnected from your spouse, stay tuned for the 3 keys to emotional intimacy.

Marriage Counseling: Seek Help Before it is Too Late

Teri Johnson MA LMHCA — Wed, 01 May 2013 15:03:08 +0000

I finished up a marriage intensive today feeling absolutely crushed.

Typically I wrap up intensives with feelings of excitement by seeing couples move from profound disconnection to reconciliation in a 3 day intensive, but during this intensive the husband chose to end his 15 year marriage.

I was not necessarily devastated by my inability to save this marriage, but rather devastated for the wife and children who had to pick up the pieces of their life and try to move on without a husband and full-time father. Divorce not only brings the separation of two people, but a division of all assets, potential poverty, and complete brokenness. Not to mention the ugly custody battles, which result in children by the door waiting for their parent who may never come.

You may be asking why anyone would want to divorce?

Or maybe you are reading this and your marriage is hanging on by its last thread. The answer is couples often wait TOO long before they seek help. The most common situation we see at the Marriage Recovery Center are couples who have been experiencing problems for 5, 10 or even 20 years. These couples may initially visit with their pastor or see a counselor 1-2 times. Though without taking extreme measures to get help, these issues NEVER get resolved and couples emotionally shut down and become vulnerable to emotional and physical affairs. Once another person is involved in the marriage, reconciliation becomes much more difficult.

So what can you do if your marriage is going downhill fast?

Come out of denial. At the Marriage Recovery Center we believe denial stands for Don’t Even Know I Am Lying to myself. You cannot address problems that you refuse to see, stuff away, or avoid.
Stop Whining and complaining. Complaining about how bad your marriage is will not get anything accomplished. Take action. Make a firm request to your spouse that change must occur through counseling.
Protect your heart. Be cautious about relationships with the opposite gender. Don’t put yourself in a vulnerable position with a man or woman who is not your spouse. Ask your spouse to protect his or her heart. Pray for protection over your marriage.
Seek intensive marriage counseling. Just as you would not use a bandaid for a huge wound, seeking counseling 1 hour a week will not resolve the crisis you are in. Consider researching the benefits of a marriage intensive at the Marriage Recovery Center.
Prepare yourself for some hard work. With change comes HARD work to break the dysfunctional patterns in your marriage. Follow up counseling with daily work on yourself, your marriage, and ensure you have accountability built into your change process.

If you choose to seek help as soon as problems arise in your relationship, there is incredible hope for change to occur.

To find out how a marriage intensive can help your marriage, please contact Teri at teri@marriagerecovereycenter.com.

Are you Ready for the Love Life of your Dreams

david.hawkins — Fri, 01 Mar 2013 14:50:02 +0000

A Love Life of Your Dreams

Dr. David B. Hawkins, MSW, MA, PhD

“May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.”

Introduction

Congratulations! You have taken the first step toward having the love life of your dreams. Everything begins with a first step, and you have taken it.

No doubt you are skeptical. Could this be another “get rich quick scheme?” Is he out to simply make a buck and then skip town? Not at all. If you check out my website, and the many books I’ve written and hundreds of couples I’ve helped at The Marriage Recovery Center, you’ll realize I’m here for the long run. I want to help you—and I can!

I can only help, however, if you’ll invite me into your life.

I understand that this will take time and you must learn to trust me.

You must determine that I am who I say I am, can do what I say I can do, and will stick with you during this growth process. I understand this.

Purchase and download your copy today!

Most couples coming to see me have tried other forms of counseling before, only to be sorely disappointed. There are several reasons for that which I would like to share with you briefly, helping you to see this is different.

First - Many marriage counselors do not specialize in marriage counseling.

They have taken a course or two in the art of marriage counseling, but it is not their specialty. Marriage counseling is a specialty—it takes extra training to fully understand how to make an impact into relationships with layers of challenges.

Second - Many marriage counselors simply try to put bandages on the problems.

While they are well-meaning, they simply offer tools for communicating. Perhaps they offer reading materials. They may have you practice a few techniques. While this is all good, it is far too simplistic. There are layers of issues that must be understood and dealt with.

Third - Many marriage counselors still function on the 50 minute hour.

It is ridiculous to think you can unlayer the layers of issues in 45-50 minutes, left to flounder for the rest of the week. No, you need special attention, time to fully disclose and reveal the nuances of the problems you are experiencing. You need someone to take a keen interest in what you are experiencing, and then to offer real solutions.

Fourth - Many counselors don’t really know how to help you connect.

Frankly, most are overwhelmed by the complexities of marriage counseling. They dread the layers of problems, the heated tension and challenges inherent in marriage counseling. It takes a true specialist who enjoys marriage counseling to help you.

Finally - Many counselors won’t take an active interest in you.

They fit you into their busy schedule, only to leave you feeling abandoned to figure things out on your own. Like a specialized surgeon, you need someone who will go deep with you, care genuinely about you, and walk with you through the entire process until you have reconnected to your mate.

Entering a Change Process

I also understand that you want to feel like you are in this change process with your mate—that they are invested in the change process with you. Sometimes it takes time and work, along with a bit of strategy, to get a partner to participate in the change process. Many find their mate to be resistant to change, and this is another area of specialty for me.

I assure you that together we can create a situation where your mate will be willing to participate in the counseling/ change process.

Before going any further, I want you to understand my philosophy about the change process. What is your role, what is your mate’s role, and what is my role?

Philosophy

I have a very unique perspective on what true marriage counseling looks like. I have a unique point of view about how you got to where you are, and what it will take to get to a new place.

Consider this philosophy which I believe to be true of couples:

“We have co-created our problems, have co-dependently enabled them to continue, and must co-labor to fix them. Together we can move from a place of Confusion, to a place of Clarity, leading us to a place of Conviction, which takes us to honest Confrontation, and finally to making healthier Choices. At first we will experience Chaos as we make these new Choices, but ultimately we will reach a place of Connection.”

Yes, this was a mouthful, but I’d like you to examine what I’ve said to see if this is true for you. You need not remain in confusion any longer. I can help you gain clarity, so that you will know exactly what you need to do to bring about change in your relationship. I promise to partner with you tirelessly to bring about true, healthy change.

Choice Point

Are you ready for a love life of your dreams?

I have a powerful program for you, in which I would like to partner with you to make wonderful, healthy, loving connection with your mate. As I said in my Philosophy statement, there will be times of chaos as you move from the old way of relating to the new way. But, I assure you, if you stick with it, and allow me to coach you, positive change will occur. If one person in a relationship changes, the other must by necessity change as well.

The next step is yours to take.

You have the opportunity to download the eBook, A Love Life of Your Dreams. With this manual in your hands, and me there to guide you, you will experience relationship success and profound connection. I look forward to working with you to achieve a love life of your dreams.

Dr. David Hawkins

Click Here to Purchase the ebook

Why is he Emotionally Abusive? What you can do about it.

Teri Johnson MA LMHCA — Thu, 14 Feb 2013 17:09:15 +0000

Have you been reading my blogs about why he is emotionally abusive?

Are you tuning into the potential pain he is in?

Do you a have a better understanding of why he acts the way he does? If so, you may be asking “what can I do about it?”

Understandably, these are issues he is struggling with that he will ultimately need to work through.

Though you have a big part in helping him address his fears and pain in a healthy way.

Here is how you can help…

Try to discern his feelings.

He may approach you in an angry, defensive manner, thus following his well known dysfunctional pattern. You then have a choice to make. Do you match his defensiveness OR do you chose to help him determine his feelings. Questions such as “what are you really feeling right now?” or “can you tell me what is making you angry?” These questions could really soften him and allow to share from a vulnerable place.

How can you help him feel safe to share?

This may sound like a strange question, considering you are most likely the one who has felt unsafe. Though men are scared to open up and due to feeling unsafe in the past due to your actions or from issues in his childhood. You can ask him what will help him to feel safe to share his feelings. Then listen and take in what he suggests. Often it may be as simple as you talking from your feelings that creates safety for him. Phrases such as “I feel scared, alone” create a connection while “I feel like you..” can make a man feel threatened.

Have firm boundaries.

Don’t just let him throw anger and accusations at you. If you work hard at trying to pull him out and he keeps battling, set a boundary. A powerful way to communicate this is “I really would like to hear you, but I cannot tolerate being spoken to with anger. I would be happy to speak to you when we can both talk calmly with each other.”

Make marriage counseling a must.

These patterns of emotional abuse WILL NOT change without an intervention. Marriage counseling will help you each identify your feelings and pain in a safe environment. A good counselor will also be able to confront the dysfunctional patterns and behaviors in your interactions.

At the Marriage Recovery Center we offer 3 day marriage Intensives to break through this abusive cycle, helping you to create safety, boundaries, and an incredible connection between the two of you.

Why is he Emotionally Abusive? His Feelings.

Teri Johnson MA LMHCA — Mon, 11 Feb 2013 15:34:59 +0000

The phone calls with women preparing to come out for their 3 day marriage intensive at the Marriage Recovery Center often are the same each and every time. “Teri, I am so afraid that you will not see the REAL man that I am married to! I believe he will pull the wool over your eyes, and be his charming self in therapy.”

My response is always the same…Everything will be revealed in our intensive eight hour session.

Charm can only maintained for short spurts. Once a raw issue is exposed, emotions erupt and the abusiveness tendencies are apparent.

The question I often am asked is why do these discussions turn into an angry outburst? Honestly, men are packed full of feelings that they just cannot discern their specific emotions.

The majority of feelings I see regarding why he is emotionally abusive are:

Scared of Vulnerability – I find that men are extremely fearful of being vulnerable with their real, deeper feelings.

Because they feel unsafe to share their emotions, they stuff their feelings and shoot right to anger.

Inadequacy – Men often are concerned about sharing their feelings for they don’t want you to see their weakness.

A consistent message taught to these men from a young age is that they should be strong and courageous. Emotions are considered weak and should never be revealed.

Failure – Anger and defensiveness often flare when men believe that you are highlighting how they have failed in your relationship, career, or parenting.

They are scared to death of failure. Thus they deflect issues you bring to them, turning the blame on you making you feel as if you are the bad person causing the chaos.

I hope this blog has helped give you a better understanding of your man and his emotions. You can help pull him out and create a safe place for him to open up to you. See my next blog on how to do this.

Why is he Emotionally Abusive???

Teri Johnson MA LMHCA — Mon, 04 Feb 2013 15:42:23 +0000

I receive countless emails from women, and often they begin with…”I read your blog and/or watched your video and I am shocked to discover that I am in an emotionally abusive relationship!” This question is typically followed by “how is this possible? My husband was the most wonderful man when I married him.”

Have you had these very thoughts?

Are you wondering how you, as such a strong woman, have fallen into a marriage that is emotionally abusive?

Do you ask yourself where did my Prince Charming go?

Ladies , your man is in serious PAIN!

Often when a couple with the chaos of emotional abuse comes to the Marriage Recovery Center and spends three days with us, we quickly discover a very angry man with a lot of exiled emotions under all of his Teflon.

What pain could he possibly be feeling? Fear, fear and fear.

Fear of loss –

Honestly your spouse loves you more than he can express in words. Because of this deep love, he is deathly afraid of losing you. Out of his anxiety, he says demeaning, disrespectful comments, creating deep hurt in you and pushing you further away.

Fear of losing control –

Most of the men we see who have been labeled as emotionally abusive, typically feel their world is out of control. In order to get some sense of control, they seek to control what they can. This may be a control over finances, control of what you do…telling you what you can or cannot do and even making decisions for you.

Fear of being rejected –

This fear seems to paralyze men the most. Men, despite their callous behavior are really just dying to connect with you, be loved by you, and made to feel special. Though their fear of being rejected keeps them from reaching out to you and asking for what they need. These feelings of rejection are tapped into when their needs are not met and anger spikes.

Fear of being alone -

Ultimately this is what I find to be the overwhelming core fear for men. They become so conflicted and shameful over their demeaning, controlling behavior toward the love of their life. For the one thing they want more than anything (you), they repeatedly drive away.

So, why is your man emotionally abusive?

He is abusive due to that deep, dark broken place in him. A painful place that he has worked so hard to exile and stuff away, thus hurting your from his deep hurt.

Stay tuned for my next blog which will explore more feelings causing a man to be emotionally abusive.

Are you Emotionally Wounded by your Partner: The Solution

Teri Johnson MA LMHCA — Sat, 02 Feb 2013 20:24:33 +0000

Have you been emotionally wounded by your partner?

In your pain, do you tend to hurt him/her in return?

Are you feeling exhausted from the ongoing wounding?

If so, you can choose to change this pattern.

It all begins with you.

First, calm yourself down.

This may prove to be a challenge for when you’ve been wronged; your desire may be to attack. From your Protective Self you will say hurtful things. Rather than attack, choose to take care of yourself. Take a time out, go for a walk, breathe deeply, and get to a better place emotionally.

Second, identify how you really feel.

You may think you are angry, but if you dig deeper, you may determine that you feel alone, rejected and fearful. Express issues with your spouse from these feelings.
Third, really listen and empathize with your mate. It is critical that you are truly present with your mate. Giving your mate your full attention will touch your mate’s heart. Reflect what they are saying and try to be empathetic with their feelings. Step in their shoes to understand how they are feeling.

Finally, determine solutions.

Make new agreements on how you will both handle future issues and wounds. This will build trust and help you both heal from your emotional wounds. Make a plan to be accountable to each other for change.

There is hope for healing! If you both create a safe place to discuss your pain with each other, future wounds can be avoided. Contact Us for Help

Are you Emotionally Wounded by your Mate?

Teri Johnson MA LMHCA — Tue, 29 Jan 2013 19:35:19 +0000

Are you feeling unloved in your marriage?

Do you seek confirmation regularly from your spouse that he or she still loves you?

Do you ever feel unheard when you share these insecurities with your mate?

Does this make you feel even more wounded?

Could the way you are communicating your feelings to your spouse be causing defensiveness in him/her

We often see couples at the Marriage Recovery Center who are in tremendous pain, and in their pain tend to throw accusations at their spouse. We hear such statements as “you don’t love me anymore” or “you care more about your work than me!” These accusations will always put your mate on the defense, for you are most likely coming from a place of anger and resentment.

When your mate feels defensive it is almost impossible for them to be with you in your feelings. In their defensiveness, they throw back a wounding remark to you and the battle pursues.

Would you like to change this dysfunctional pattern?

If so, you might ask yourself…what am I really feeling? What do I need from my spouse right now? If you can pinpoint the deeper feelings in your statements, then you can begin to change your interactions by coming from a vulnerable place.

Stay tuned for my next blog to learn how to identify your feelings and speak from your most vulnerable self.

Sexual Addiction and Marriage: treatment

Teri Johnson MA LMHCA — Sat, 26 Jan 2013 16:32:16 +0000

Has reality finally set in that your spouse has a pornography or sexual addiction?

Are you feeling hopeless that your spouse can or will change?

There is hope for change…if you require it! How do I require change, you ask?

You must create a crisis from the Sexual Addiction to ensure change occurs…

You have been betrayed at the deepest level by your spouse. Your self worth and ability to trust has surely been impacted. This addiction and his/her acting out MUST STOP. There must be a critical conversation with your spouse that your marriage is BROKEN until he/she gets treatment for their addiction. This could mean an emotional or even a physical separation.

Most men that come to the Marriage Recovery Center for diagnosis and treatment of sexual addiction, do so because their wife made it clear that they must choose their addiction or their marriage…but they could NOT have both.

Boundaries for accountability need to be established

Safety must be put in place to ensure the addictive behavior stops. Establish a boundary that there is a filter on each computer, Internet is removed from phones, emails and text messages are to be shared. You are not to be his or her parent, but accountability is key to stop this defiant behavior.

Your spouse MUST get treatment

This addiction will not go away by itself. Your spouse must get into treatment for his/her addiction ASAP. Intensive treatment of 2-3 days will determine the patterns/rituals, level of addiction and the pain this behavior is stemming from.

Get help for your marriage

Your marriage is in crisis and will also need intensive marriage counseling to overcome this betrayal. Trust and intimacy can be reestablished once your spouse has undergone intensive treatment. Boundaries and agreements can be put in place to create safety and steps towards building trust once again. Learning to communicate in a healthy way is also critical to overcome this crisis.

There is hope for your marriage, for we see couples work through this addiction weekly and become a stronger, more connected partnership. Please contact us at 360-490-5446 or send us a message by clicking here

Sexual Addiction in Marriage: The Discovery

Teri Johnson MA LMHCA — Thu, 24 Jan 2013 14:57:27 +0000

Have you just discovered your spouse on the internet viewing pornography?

Or even worse, have you found evidence of your mate soliciting others for sex?

If so, are you feeling overwhelmed with betrayal?

Do you feel foolish that you were oblivious to his/her addiction?

Disgusted that you are married to someone with such darkness?

Are you wondering if you can ever trust him/her again?

Understand that these feelings are very normal after discovering such betrayal from the person you loved and committed your life to.

Understand that your spouse has NOT set out to intentionally hurt you.

Rather, he/she is steeped in a dark sin that once the fantasy world of pornography has been experienced, it can rapidly pull them in. Eventually, just viewing pornography will become boring and he/she will need even more stimulus to satisfy his/her needs.

Finally, your spouse is broken.

He/she is acting out of an emptiness or deep pain and the pornography is the numbing mechanism.

Pornography or sexual addiction falls into the same level of seriousness as drug or alcohol abuse. The addiction cannot be broken until he/she is in treatment and undergoes extensive individual therapy to determine the source of pain.
At the Marriage Recovery Center, we want to offer encouragement that you can help your spouse to engage in the change process through implementing firm boundaries and by creating a crisis in your marriage.

Watch for our next blog which will walk you through your next steps to ensure change occurs.
Want to learn more? Go to our Sexual Addiction & Marriage page